


showers

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Bad Parenting, Depression, Dissociation, Extremely Mild Komahina, Mention of biphobia, Pre-Canon, Religion, Suicidal Thoughts, but I'm okay, idk?, unhealthy parent relationships, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:08:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23485066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: he wonders if he is fundamentally broken.he sighs and puts shampoo in his hair.(or, hajime takes a shower)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 37





	showers

hinata’s shower is broken.

he hasn’t told his father yet. he doesn’t want to face the man, tall with serious eyes that usually view hinata with disappointment. he figures his dad will be mad if he says nothing, but the idea is… a little more than daunting, right now.

it isn’t fundamentally broken, not in any way that keeps him from taking a shower. he almost wishes it did, because fighting to get out of bed (get off his phone, as his father says) and actually take  _ care  _ of himself isn’t really worth the struggle. especially since the process is already less enjoyable, because the water isn’t draining correctly.

he wonders if he is fundamentally broken.

he sighs and puts shampoo in his hair.

hinata’s hair is spiky, which is a trait inherited by an uncle he’s never met. it’s annoying, even though his friend, nanami, seems to find it endearing.  _ still _ , he thinks, pulling his hand away,  _ there’s more important things to be fearful of. _

another reason he hates showers is that he has to face his thoughts. his mind is filled with a lot of things-- the argument he had with his father that morning, the homework he has to finish, the fact that his mother  _ insists  _ that god is angry at him.

she doesn’t even know he’s bisexual. at this point, he doesn’t even want to come out. he doesn’t even care.

he wonders if he’s beyond love. 

he pours liquid soap onto a sponge and washes his body. the soap smells strange, but anything is better than the jarring lavender he had before. besides, he isn’t exactly going to complain about it, because at least he’s here, able to have a shower, able to stand, able to use his body-

_ fuck _ .

if he is so blessed, why does he still hate himself?

the water is at his ankles now, moving loudly and now slightly opaque with the soap. it makes him sick to look at, makes him want to crumble, but he only has  _ this moment  _ to take care of himself, so he has to force himself to keep moving.

even then, he wonders why he doesn’t feel like crying in the only place where he’s free to express himself.

_ am i even alive? _

he drops the sponge and rinses his hair (once, twice) and soon, he has no excuses to still be there. he’s wasteful, using the resources that his dad pays for when he has work to do. he has  _ so much work  _ even though it’s summer, 

and yet, all he wants to do is sleep.

he once had a bizarre conversation with one of nanami’s friends, a pretty ultimate named komaeda. in between the times he wasn’t insulting hinata, he seemed almost afraid, talking quickly about his disastrous luck and how he thinks a universe without him would be so detrimentally different that it makes him want to die more. hinata spent the whole time sneaking glances at the other, deflecting the self hatred and falling silent at the scrutiny, but…

… he thinks komaeda has a point.

there’s thousands of reasons he shouldn’t die, and yet he still wants to.

(is sleeping countless days away a kind of suicide?)

the water is rising. it feels suffocating, like he’s running out of time, like soon,  _ soon _ , he’ll be gone. it makes him panic, almost, because he knows he can’t drown in it, he knows he can’t, but he wants to feel the soapy water fill his nostrils and  _ burn.  _

because, fuck, he just wants to  _ feel  _ something. because he know he is, he knows that he laughs on the group chat of people nanami introduced him to, and he knows that he’s cried, felt sad, felt angry, felt  _ everything- _

but none of it matters. 

he turns off the faucet. 

the water doesn’t completely go away, as if it wants him to stay. which is stupid, because nobody really wants him to stay  _ ever.  _ and he’s fine with that, but it just makes him think about the kind of shit he can do when he leaves his shitshow of a house and gets through the stack of essays.

(is he even thinking real thoughts? are these really things crossing his mind, or is he just projecting?)

he slips on a shirt and boxers. he locks the door to his room. and he falls asleep.

(and all the while, he hears the water start to drain away, and it makes him want death-- as a concept, not as anything real, just a  _ concept _ \-- so much more.)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm okay, i think. so no worries.


End file.
